Dear Mister Driver,
Or shall I call you Monsieur?
I will need someone in the passenger seat. I plan not to use the GPS. I find that GPS’s make us dumber. We never really know where we are going—we are relying on a computer and a few satellites and God knows what.
I want it red or black. I really can’t decide. Sometimes I say, “Red, definitely.” Other times I say, “Hmm, black would be nice.” I just know I want the newest model and I want leather seats, and you can decide whether it is red or black. I assume leather seats come with the vehicle? I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t. Although I may prefer fake leather, because there are all kinds of things people are doing to animals that are awful. It’s just hard for me to decide on the kind of leather I want—please get in touch with Leonardo Dicaprio. I think he’ll know the specifics of animal skins and whether we want those in our cars.
It must be a convertible. It just must. There is no reason to have a Ferrari, in my humble opinion, unless it is a convertible Ferrari. Then you get the speed and the class with the warm sun on your face and shoulders. And at night, you can look up and see the stars in the sky.
Now, the last thing I’m wondering about is a CD player. I know that we have all the music in the world at our fingertips through smartphone technology, Mr. Driver, and we can tap a few buttons and hear something gorgeous or funky play. But I am concerned about the lack of money musicians are making from all this streaming. I am concerned that artists are being taken advantage of. Do musicians have a union, the way actors do? I wonder if I will see a request like that on these Christmas lists. Thinking ahead, that is something you and your friends may be able to help me with.
To be honest with you, I have not yet looked over all the lists. They are overwhelming, and people ask for so many things they don’t need. Also, I have a bunch of people to help me go through the lists and they are good people—I treat them very well—and they circle what it is they think is most important on the list for every individual who believes and sends a request.
I think the reason my workers love me so much is that I give them a lot of time off to pursue other interests. We can’t work all the time and not play. I am all about having plenty of play, and it creates such good morale, and then my people work even harder and more efficiently during the busy season. We always get it done. The crowds are happy. Then my crew and I rest and eat a good meal and laugh a lot, and we touch our bellies with joy. There are not enough people touching their bellies with joy and fulfillment in this world. Gosh, sometimes all it takes is a nice meal to put a big smile on someone’s face. (Especially if they’ve been going hungry, or eating only cheap cheese sandwiches.)
So, I think I gave you all the specs. I’ll trust you with the rest of the details. I’m really a simple person—I don’t need a lot of doo-dads and technological advances. Honestly, I like it when you can just move the gear into drive or reverse or park with the palm of your hand and not have to press a screen for everything. I am not talking about a stick shift. I don’t have time to learn one of those, and when I did try once, it was a horrible mess, so be warned. It’s automatic all the way for me. Just remind people that those technology-dangle-ficionado-juices create hell in repair shops. Also, when cars have those fancy technology systems, does one’s car connect to satellites and God knows whoever else, watching us at any time of day? Freaky. I don’t need that kind of scrutiny. I’m a wanted person. I’m the one who is supposed to be watching them, not them watching me. That is how all this works out in the end. Therefore, I prefer to drive in silence where no one can find me. Every person needs space and peace and quiet, especially when there is a lot on the mind.
Oh, last thing. You may be wondering which CD I’ll want us to play in that nice stereo system while we drive.
I have to think about it. It has to be just right.
If you impress me in the next week or so, I just may let you select the CD yourself.
I am already imagining Ferrari II.
Toodles,
Ma Santa Marie
(You heard it here first.)