Film: Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Writers: Tom Jankiewicz, D.V. DeVincentis, Steve Pink, John Cusack
Director: George Armitage
Starring: Joan Cusack, Minnie Driver, John Cusack, Alan Arkin, Dan Akroyd, Jeremy Piven
Dear Ms. One Joan Cusack,
My best friend and I talked about this movie Grosse Pointe Blank, on a little podcast/videocast recently. I am still figuring out the cheap way to convert video into mp3 for free. Technology is a real pain. It’s cool, and then, it’s a pain. Unless you have a personal assistant.
Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a personal assistant? Actually, you probably have one, Joan. In this film, Grosse Pointe Blank, you play one: Marcella. Marcella communicates to her boss, Martin Blank, all the things he has to do and how he is messing up. Marcella always does it in a really nice way. Also, she adds some tenderness and life coaching suggestions for why Martin would benefit from going home to Michigan. Like, maybe he needs to address some old wounds and heal and whatnot? You don’t say it in those terms, but you do say it in a way so Martin listens.
My hairdresser always told me, “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck.”
I am still trying to figure all that out.
I was thinking yesterday that if I were one of the female characters in this film, I’d definitely be Debbie, the DJ (played by Minnie Driver). I’m quirky, I’m jilted, my hair is curly. If I had a radio program, I’d likely be trying to find ways to subtly insult the patriarchy, and I’d love to have an all-vinyl weekend. I’d also probably be dumb enough to start dating a guy who I later found out had a bad, bad job.
Debbie is cool and glib and adorable, but I hope I can do better than Debbie. I hope I can get out of Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
(Actually, I’m not in Grosse Pointe, Michigan.)
(But I’m wondering if everywhere is Grosse Pointe, Michigan, somehow, these days? I mean, we live in a country where a billionaire in black is encouraging women to have more babies. We need to start having parades where we throw packages of contraceptives to the masses for free. And women’s sanitary products, too. That stuff is expensive. But I am getting off track a bit here.)
Anyway, Joan, my best friend and I figured out a healthy and happy way forward for Marcella, where she doesn’t have to keep defending her hitman on the phone to other hitmen. In this future scenario, you run a fashion boutique and you are still friends with Martin, but his biggest problems are his golf games and how to keep Debbie interested in him. Your boutique is in Baltimore, Maryland because my best friend is from Baltimore, Maryland, and Tori Amos is also from Baltimore, Maryland. I think in Baltimore, Marcella will be in good company. (Also, actor Josh Charles is from Baltimore, Maryland, and he can help advertise for your boutique on instagram. He can buy his wife stuff from there for her birthday or whatnot. Isn’t Josh Charles so cute? He just has something Baltimorean.) So shoot on over to Maryland (but don’t actually shoot, Marcella! I just mean skidaddle!) and you’ll be in some good company. I I hear Towson’s cute. Baltimore’s Harbor is a little touristy.
You can find our little future imagining of Marcella and Martin talking at around 1 hour 11 minutes in that videocast at the bottom of this post. It’s on my YouTube channel called RoseWoods Tv.
Also, can you send a personal assistant to help me with technology? I like, don’t have the time to do all the tech stuff for my programming and my visions and my dreams. I just want to create and have someone else figure out the tech. Or teach me the tech. But mostly, do the tech while I dance around. Can you also pay that person, too, please? Because I need someone to pay that person. Very few people will work for free and I certainly don’t have the funds to pay him or her.
Okay, we’ll fix this all up in a jiffy, Joan!
Cheers.
Yours truly,
Ms. Wonderful
And you can find my femme version of a Grosse Pointe Blank playlist on Spotify here. (I think it may be kinda-sorta preachy? You decide.)
Weekend Vinyl Playlist (Thanks to Siren Records in Doylestown, PA for always having the best record selection!)
By the way, if you’re in LA, the Egyptian Theater is playing Grosse Pointe Blank on Monday May 13th. Tickets here.