Film: Clueless (1995)
Director and Writer: Amy Heckerling
Starring: Alicia Silverstone (Cher), Stacey Dash (Dionne), Donald Faison (Murray), Breckin Meyer (Travis), Paul Rudd (Josh), Brittany Murphy (Tai), and more
Dear 90s Fans,
What is it about some people, where they settle for romantic partners that are not right for them, just so they don’t have to be alone?
And then there are others, who wait and wait for the right person—perhaps into eternity?
The challenge we face two decades into the 21st century is that we are saturated with information and content. It is, um, overwhelming, to say the least, for our minds to actually process. And this means that trusting our instincts/perceptions about people may now be more challenging.
You may be unaware of this, but energetically, our bodies and energy systems have to process everything we take in. Something may seem to fall out of our radar, but it secretly nestles somewhere inside our energy field, and the memory lodges, and the felt experience don’t go away, buddies. It don’t go away.
You have to either heal it, transmute it, alchemize it, use it or something else. Regardless of how it gets processed, it needs to be felt in order to be transformed and utilized in a healthy way. And we all want to be healthy. (I think. Well, maybe not Jim Carrey. But most people want to be healthy.)
(Just picking on you, Jim Carrey. Cause why not?)
My point is that in the 90s, things were simpler. They weren’t perfect, but they were simpler. And now, I am pretty concerned about the ubiquity of nasty stuff that kids take in on their screens all day, which stops them from seeking for internal guidance about what’s right and wrong for them.
In the 90s, Cher and Dionne, from Amy Heckerling’s famous film Clueless, had cell phones, but the phones didn’t have pictures and images and the internet and bank apps and dating apps and what have you. See what I mean by, “simpler”?
So I want to talk about Cher’s ethics and her singleness, and her particularity when it comes to dating. She’s really picky! And I think that this trait is to be admired. I think it would be great if we could see some more pickiness among women when it comes to who they will invest their time with. (And the same goes for men, but things are kind of different between the way the feminine thinks and honors her boundaries, and the way the masculine thinks and honors his boundaries. I am not being old-fashioned here so much as sensible. Don’t mess with dirty, conniving people. And women are likely to bear more physical burdens if they do.)
Cher expects a certain manner of behavior from men she is considering romantically. She is reluctant to date a high school boy because they seem so immature. She is not going to have sex with just anyone, because she believes herself to be pretty special, precious, valuable. (She has her tough dad to thank for that, I think.) And while she’s wealthy and a little snobby, she also genuinely cares about her body, her future, and her standards. She’s not going to lower her standards for anyone. You don’t have to have a house in Beverly Hills to take on that attitude, ladies!
While I am all about equality of the sexes, I am also realistic, and I don’t like lazy dudes. Even a lazy dude can perk up if he has a purpose. Cher looks at the actions of a young man in order to make a determination about whether he is worth dating. Of course she is initially turned on by style, by wit, but it is the man’s character that determines if he is worth her time and her energy.
Let’s examine the scene between Cher and Elton (played by Jeremy Sisto) in his convertible, driving through Los Angeles after a party in the Valley.
Cher is nice to Elton not because she is romantically interested in him, but because she sees potential for him and the new girl at school, Tai (Brittany Murphy).
Elton, however, thinks that Cher’s attention toward him is flirtatious and sexual, and he makes moves on her in his car. She is not happy about that. Still, Elton persists in being pushy and assuming Cher feels the same way he does.
Because we deal in a society newly (thankfully!) more concerned with “appropriate behavior,” and “consent,” this scene is a helpful one to unpack. Check it out below.
I worked at a domestic violence center where our focus was helping teens understand healthy relationship dynamics. A lot of the videos were showing some of the abusive dynamics that could come into play, but not all of the videos we presented were helpful—in my opinion—to understanding the way romance actually works.
Does a guy always have to ask before kissing a woman? Here, Elton doesn’t ask. He just dives in for this kiss. Cher pushes him away—she’s not interested in him, but it’s hard for him to actually accept that and think she’s being honest.
This is common for romance dynamics—a man who says, “how do I know if she is playing hard to get or if she’s into me?”
Cher is pretty clear that she’s not into Elton. Still, he moves in for the kiss again. Then Cher gets out of the car to escape his unwanted advances, and even though he tells her she’s in the middle of nowhere and he has to still drive her home, she is too nervous to get back in the car with him because of his behavior. He drives off; she’s stuck, and she has to finally call a man she actually trusts to help her.
(Hey, if you’re a guy and a woman calls you because some other jerk has been mean to her, and she trusts you enough to be the one to help her? Recognize that is a huge gift for you, and use that gift of knowledge and helpfulness wisely. It usually means way more than a kiss she had with someone else ever could.)
So, people who have been in Elton’s situation may wonder—”How do I know if a girl likes me? She’s giving me signals. And girls like to play hard to get. I don’t want to make a move and get rejected, but I also want to know if this is a sure thing.”
Love and romance is always a leap of faith. Stop looking for a sure thing unless you want to live your life bored and restless. Still, what Elton could have done here is take a moment to reflect and be silent and gauge the situation a little more authentically before diving in for a kiss. He could tell her, “Cher, I think about you a lot. I like being with you. I think about you romantically. How does that make you feel?”
When a man does this, he gives a woman an opportunity to receive his advance—or his suggestion of an advance—without it getting physical. Then, depending on her response, he can decide if that is the right time to attempt something physical—a touch or a kiss—or he can recognize that she may not have the same feelings.
What Cher deals with in this scene, as an attractive woman, is something a lot of women try to avoid, and it is why we all often struggle in relationships, in getting to know another person. Oftentimes, someone can either initiate too much of an advance, or the person is too lazy to do anything, because he is scared he’ll be rejected. Either way, without helpful words and space, both people lose.
If Elton had been more mature, he might have had a chance with Cher. She just might have needed some time to consider. And if he was patient and diligent, and still kind, instead of letting his anger get the best of him, he could have had a good girlfriend. Instead, he’s too pushy, his overture is resisted, and he becomes hurt and rejected. Instead of doing the gentlemanly thing by driving her home, he speeds off and ends up lonely anyway.
What does work for Cher (and let’s admit—it’s a little 19th century because Clueless is based on Jane Austen’s Emma) is dating someone she already knows. She was never thinking romantically about the man who becomes her future boyfriend, but over time, when she realized she could lose him to someone else, she starts evaluating his character and realizes that he is the kind of person she’s been waiting for.
Love works this way, doesn’t it? It is not a drunken thing if it’s a true love. It is a slowly-building, developing understanding and recognition. It is not the high and low of a drug, even though many mistake addiction and attachment for love. Instead, it is steadiness. Someone who shows up in the rain, who picks you up when you’re stranded, who you feel comfortable enough to call when you need something. That’s the person you can count on. That is the love that stands the test of time.
What other movies demonstrate true love to you—in a real way, rather than a being-all-cheesy-not-gonna-last-after-the-credits-roll kinda way? I’d love to hear in the comments.
I’m hoping we can start to examine this to help young women (and young men) as we trek further into this wild, scary-ish, kaleidoscope of the 21st century. I’m really worried about the videos some people get their hands on that look like pleasure and love and mostly teach domination, violence, sickness and addiction through physical touch and plastic “eroticism.”
I love Clueless because it helpfully and kindly points out teenagers navigating their way through the fake and the real. We need adults to learn how to do the same.
Cheers and Hugs and Cheerios,
Ms. Wonderful
Your one-track vinyl epiphany
“Like a Girl” by Lizzo
Email * mswonderfulfilmclub@gmail.com * if you want to join our upcoming discussions about romance, consent, and healthy boundaries through film. There will be Zoom and in-person sessions. I’ll put you on the email list!