Spiritual and Psychological Abuse
Boy Erased
Written by: Garrard Conley and Joel Edgerton (based on the book by Garrard Conley)
Directed by: Joel Edgerton
Starring: Nicole Kidman (as Nancy Eamons), Lucas Hedges (as Jared Eamons), Russell Crowe (asMarshall Eamons), Joel Edgerton (as Victor Sykes)
Dear Those Who Have Been Abused by Religious Ideology,
I am so sorry that many people use God as a weapon instead of a force of healing and love.
There are so many words we can use for this Essence—this Source. Unfortunately, we keep coming back to the word God, and we need to acknowledge this word and handle it and find our way through the maze.
I was fortunate to grow up without any faith tradition. I was lost sometimes, and lonely, and I actually wanted to go to church and Sunday school. Instead, I found my way to movies and music and books, and in those art forms I was able to hear stories of human beings trying to figure things out.
There is no person who is the Supreme-All-Knowing, but there are people who have connections to the divine—they are in union, yoga.
Boy Erased (2018) is about a young man who is tortured by community members and—for a time—his parents because he has admitted to them that he is gay. His father is a Baptist preacher, and in that religious worldview, people who are gay are sinners who need to be healed. This boy, Jared (played by Lucas Hedges), is put through something called “conversion therapy,” where men who purport to know God better, influence, brainwash, manipulate, and convince gay teenagers that there is something wrong with them. These adults are sick, but they suggest that the young people are sick.
This merry-go-round happens in all kinds of ways, doesn’t it? The blind leading people astray. The sick people calling other people the sick ones.
All of my life, Christian people have been showing up to evangelize me with specific phraseology. From the time I was a teenager, I remember being told the “truth” about God through friends or classmates who, you know, knew everything.
I loved my friends, and I love people. I always was willing to engage in these conversations, because they matter. We all wonder about the meaning of life, and we have big questions, and we want them answered. The conversations I had with people of different religious beliefs rarely resulted in conclusions or agreements. I kept loving these people anyway.
I have a relationship with God. I call this force “God,” and I also call it “the divine,” and I also call it Mother Mary, and Jesus Christ, and Source, and Krishna sometimes. I know that the All is the All, and I am that I am. Om.
I didn’t read the Bible for a long time because it was so politicized, and I didn’t want to be "one of those people.” But over time, it became clear that I needed to know what was in the Bible, because it kept surfacing as rationale for so many decisions that affected so many people. And I wanted to know directly what Jesus said, and what his inherent messages were. I am a good reader. I have been a literature teacher for a long time. I know all the literary elements, and I am a student of life, and I love a good story. I wanted to understand why politics was so divisive in the U.S., and it seemed to be based somewhat on religious ideology.
What happened in my reading was that I learned to love Jesus because if you know him, you can’t not love him. And we may all be pretty surprised by the people who have close relationships with Jesus. Gay people, and people with a lot of money, and people with only a little money, and people who are mentally ill, and people who are of all ethnicities and religions, and prostitutes, and transgender people, and so on, and so on. (Even the Eagles coach thanked Jesus when the Eagles won the Superbowl, so maybe Jesus likes football, too.)
My point is, it is about actions and how we treat people, that signifies if we know God. If we hate people, and we despise people, and we focus on greed and corruption, then we don’t know God. If we forgive people, if we love people, if we believe in new beginnings and we honor the light and magic inside the people we meet (and in nature, too)—well, we know The Whom.
It certainly is not tied to political ideology, what church you go to, how often you go to church, et cetera.
What I appreciated about Boy Erased is the way it shows a very real and honest struggle of a family grappling with their belief system, and how it is at odds with their natural love for their son. The movie is about parents and children, and parents’ having certain expectations and ideas about who their children are going to be, and children persistently being who they are.
Jared wants his parents’ love. He wants their acceptance, and he especially wants his father to accept him and be proud of him. This is natural, and it is what every child wants. Unfortunately, children have to come to terms with the weaknesses and realities of their parents. Parents are not perfect people. They make mistakes. They try to do their best. Sometimes they fail, and sometimes they do wonderful things. When kids know this, they can begin to acknowledge that there is a force of Strength and Goodness in the universe that is larger than two humans whose DNA made us. This force can guide us, if we ask for healthy guidance. And we can begin to see that the spark of love and divine nature is in many people—and not only blood relatives. Most importantly, we have to find that powerful presence in our own hearts and souls.
Shame and the shame that surrounds sexuality is not a religion, nor should it be a religious teaching. Once, when I was in a prayer group studying St. Ignatius of Loyola (not my favorite saint, but okay enough), I asked the lead nun about “shame.” What the Sister said, and what I believe is very true, is that shame is not something we want to be advocating and teaching, but that there is healthy shame. She wanted us to know that sometimes people make decisions they should be ashamed of, and it is healthy for them to acknowledge that, and repent for it.
What is an example of an action that would evoke healthy shame—so as to stop the behavior in the future? Hurting someone or a group of people intentionally and repeatedly. Trying to hurt people. Lying purposely to mislead or corrupt. And so on.
Loving someone and honoring someone, and wanting to be affectionate with that person—even if they are the same gender—is not inherently shameful or immoral. Jesus never says it is. (Jesus and the letters of Paul are NOT THE SAME!) What is immoral is violating another person, lying to another person, manipulating another person, molesting another person, coercing another person, and doing something sexual with a person who is not able to give their consent due to circumstances or age. That is the sexual immorality Jesus speaks of.
Using people for your own pleasure, and abandoning them after? Wrong. Forcing yourself on someone? Wrong. Brainwashing and manipulating someone regarding sex, gender, physical touch? Wrong.
The actual prophet in Boy Erased, and the prophet for many who struggle with religious ideology, is the person who is the outcast. Where God is showing up in Boy Erased, is in Jared.
When people are given faulty and wrong messages about love and sexuality, and no holistic and centered education to assist them in making wise choices, then it is likely that more pain, trauma, and confusion will ensue. It perpetuates, and it gets worse.
When people have a healthy approach to sexuality, and they honor whomever shows up intimately in their life with honesty, sincerity, and a pure heart of seeking, learning, and growing, then healing takes place not just for one or two people, but for entire communities.
Hugs and love,
Ms. Wonderful
*Boy Erased is streaming on Netflix and available for rent on other streaming services.
*Buy tickets for our International Women’s Day performances at Christ Church in Old City, Philadelphia, on March 7th and 8th. Proceeds will go to the Women’s Law Project, a nonprofit public interest legal organization working to defend and advance the rights of women, girls, and LGBTQ+ people in Pennsylvania and beyond.
Tuesday One-Track Vinyl
